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21st-Dec-2010 04:59 pm - Triple J Hottest 100
Rukia (Bleach)
My votes for this year:

!!! - AM/FM
Caribou - Odessa
Delphic - Doubt
Holy Fuck! - Latin America
Kimbra - Settle Down
Last Dinosaurs - Honolulu
Machine Translations - Telepathic Head
Beach House - Norway
Crystal Castles - Not In Love {Ft. Robert Smith}
Ruby Suns, The - Closet Astrologer
13th-Dec-2010 02:56 am - 2010.
Rukia (Bleach)

Try to look proud but you're not in the slightest..Collapse )I guess every new year takes pieces of me that I wouldn't have expected. This year I ended my relationship with Luke. It's been an incredibly difficult thing to move past. I've been handling it quietly, sometimes in ways I'm not so proud of. I can at least say that, from the outside, I have dealt with it in a dignified way. I do believe that Luke and I are both very sensitive and intuitive people, and I think we both tried very hard to make this easier for one another. It is never a good idea to try to remain friends (with or without benefits) with someone you've had this kind of relationship with. He and I remained in occasional contact so that we could provide some insight, some closure, and a little comfort to one another. It was something I'd always dreamed about having with Tristan - that post- break up, superficial conversation, where we talk about where we are in life now, as friends, or at least acquaintances. At least with Luke I've had that conversation. And more. We wrote letters, we reassured one another, we said goodbyes. I promised him that I would remember the good. I promised that I didn't feel as if he had stolen two years from me. He promised that he didn't blame me for the way things turned out.

I've thought often that you don't really know someone until you've broken up with them. When it happened with Luke, the side it brought out in him only made me respect him more. I do still believe that he is an incredible person and I was lucky to have had a relationship with him. I can't begin to explain the ways it has changed me.

2010 has left something of a bitter taste in my mouth. I need 2011 to be a year of healing.

17th-Jan-2010 06:22 pm - Triple J Hottest 100
Rin & Archer (Fate/Stay Night)
Here are my votes for 2009. I was a little frustrated with the list this year. At least half of the songs that would've made my top 10 (and I checked, they were released in 2009) didn't make the list. I had to add them myself, so no chance of seeing them in the countdown I guess.

Barzin - Stayed Too Long In This Place
Bon Iver - Blood Bank
Devoted Few - Trigger Fingers
Fat Freddy's Drop - Boondigga
Grizzly Bear - Two Weeks
Islands - Vapours
Mew - Introducing Palace Players
Parades - Dead Nationale
Phoenix - 1901
Ramona Falls - Russia
2nd-Jan-2010 06:43 pm - She said, 'Too little, too late'...
Rukia (Bleach)

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
 Had a paper published. Graduated.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 
I made the same one I seem to make every year. And this year, I think I'm finally ready to let it go and try for something new.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

4. Did anyone close to you die? 
I lost a childhood friend. We weren't close anymore, but it's had a huge impact on my mother and her friends.

5. What countries did you visit?
Queensland? :P Sadly my plan to GTFO Australia hasn't happened yet.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A steady income. The chance to put some money aside for travel.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
Nothing really.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 
The presentations I gave at QUT and Melbourne Uni. I'm starting to feel like I've made some progress in my ability to communicate with people.

9. What was your biggest failure? 
Not getting a job in communications.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My shoulder gave me trouble for most of the year.

11. What was the best thing you bought? 
My bed, my new laptop.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Laura. Drew. The friends I never knew I needed.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? 
Someone I think I'm done trying with.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, car registration. The trip to Brisbane took a big chunk out of my savings.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
Finishing uni, getting out into the real world... of course, this was before the real world crushed my spirit.

16. What songs will always remind you of 2009? 
Ramona Falls - Russia
The Sea & Cake - Car Alarm
Fleet Foxes - Mykonos
Mew - Introducing Palace Players
Barzin - Stayed Too Long in this Place
Phoenix - 1901
Midlake - Roscoe
And all the crazy bad '80s music I got into when I started jogging.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you...
i) happier or sadder?  Sadder.
ii) thinner or fatter?  Fatter. But more healthy and fit.
iii) richer or poorer?  Poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Getting depressed about the job hunt.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I went home to Broken Hill and had a quiet night with the family. I really liked it.

21. How will you be spending New Year's Eve? 
On a farm outside of Buchan. It was fantastic. Half an hour before midnight, Luke and I climbed to the top of a hill and watched the lightning.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009? 
I'm still in love.

23. How many one night stands?

24. What were your favourite TV programs? 
How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate last year?
No, I rarely hate. But I probably like more people this year.

26. What was the best book you read? 
The Belgariad series by David Eddings. I'm glad I gave the guy another chance, that series rocked. Also, the Axis and Wayfarer trilogies by Sara Douglass.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? 
Ramona Falls, Beniot Pioulard, Mew.

28. What did you want and get? 
I wanted a break from things. It lasted much longer than I wanted though.

29. What did you want and not get?
A job I could be happy with.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? 
I only saw a handful of films this year. Probably Avatar, but only because it's the only one I still remember vividly.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 
I turned 22. We went to the Ding Dong Lounge for crazy sexy dancing.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A little more direction.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Same as always. Kinda country, casual.

34. What kept you sane?
Luke, though he also drove me a little crazy. My housemates and a few close friends who put up with my whining.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Richard Armitage in North and South.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I began to take the environmental movement a little more seriously since I started writing for CSL.

37. Who did you miss?
My Broken Hill friends. Thomas, Kiya, Lukie, Haynesy. I miss how easy those friendships are.

38. Who was the best new person you met? 
Chris and Cat from Dirty 30.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
This year I lived by "If first you don't succeed, try again".

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Live through this and you won't look back" - Stars


15th-Aug-2009 12:23 pm - To four people.
Fai (Tsubasa)
Lately I can't seem to figure out how I should be feeling. When things happen that upset me, I honestly don't know whether the situation is as bad as that first instinct would suggest. Or is it when the hurt goes away and I decide it wasn't that bad. Is that initial response irrational? Is the delayed (calm) response denial? In a way, I wish I had some way of knowing that the proper response should be. I want someone to tell me how I should feel, but if anyone ever did, I'd reject what they told me.

I know, there's no "proper" response to any situation. I suppose I just wish there were. It feels like it'd be easier if I knew what was a mistake. But I guess sometimes I have the tendency to view life as one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books. With several possible happy endings, but where a wrong choice leads to one of about a thousand gruesome deaths (or, in this case, a crappy, miserable life).
(I actually drew a diagram of this, but Livejournal won't let me upload it. Bastards.)
Rin & Archer (Fate/Stay Night)

It's strange how having something worthwhile to stress over seems to put everything else in order. I currently have a project, and I feel like all the little things that used to bug me about my life are suddenly put on the backburner. I suppose this is how I function best.

I've been thinking (because I am procrastinating while I write my presentation for this communications conference) about my life now, and what I thought it'd be as a kid. When I was thirteen or fourteen, I remember wanting to write a letter to myself at twenty-one, just so that I could reflect back on what I used to think I'd be, or what I considered successful at that age. I never finished writing that letter, but I wish I had. Sometimes I try to imagine what it'd be like if the fourteen-year-old version of myself could see what I am now. The one time I got stoned, I lay on Luke's bed and imagined what it'd be like if I could see my life with the mind of the person I was when I was seventeen (if that makes sense - it didn't make much sense to Luke at the time). I imagined seventeen year-old me would be impressed. She'd be all like "dude like whoa there's a hot guy undressing and climbing into bed with me, like what's up with that".

When I was fourteen, I think it must be said that I had very low self esteem. I guess a lot of teenagers do. I was fat, socially inept, I had a few friends whom I didn't think much of, but I'd spent enough years without having friends that I was just grateful I had people to eat with at lunchtime. I was good at school, but not brilliant. I don't know what I figured I'd do when I left school, but I'm not sure I had high hopes. I certainly didn't think I'd be here, living on my own in an awesome city, with amazing friends and a gorgeous boyfriend, who all share my slightly quirky sense of humour and like having me around. I didn't think I'd get first class honours, have my work published, or be offered a $20,000 scholarship to do my PhD. And I may only be working at a pub these days, but honestly, my confidence and social skills were so awful back then that I'd have been shocked if anyone told me I could eventually do that.

I know this is incredibly self-indulgent but.. actually no, fuck that, what LiveJournal entry isn't self-indulgent? I think it was an entry I needed to write to remind myself that I have made progress. Even though I'm still a paranoid wreck who clams up when she's spoken to without warning, I don't often think about how bad I used to be. I was the high school kid at KFC who couldn't get the words out to ask for a job application form, and could only point to a sign on the wall and stutter. The seventh grader who burst into tears the first time she had to speak in front of class. It sounds corny, but I think that kid would be happy with my life.

These moods don't come around too often. I can't let good optimism go to waste.

Rukia (Bleach)

I find that whenever things aren't going well here, I have the urge to go home. I guess I'm still that much of a child that I want to run home and cry to my parents. It's not like I think they'll make it better, I gave up that notion years ago. But it's as if they're my friends now. Last time I was home, Dad spoke to me about his relationship problems, as if I were an equal. He admitted he hadn't told anyone else about them, that it was good to talk to me about it. It meant a lot to me and I'd love to be able to do the same.

Things.. aren't going well here.

Rukia (Bleach)
I'm back home, and with computer access again. 'm sick with a cold and so exhausted from the 10 hours of driving that I think I'd quite happily push my car off the edge of a cliff.

...okay, maybe not that exhausted. I still love my car far too much to imagine something like that for more than a second. But I'd really like to not drive again for a little while.

Well, it's taken me a while but I figured I should tell LiveJournal how I went with Honours. I did well. I don't know the exact marks yet but my supervisor tells me my thesis got 87% and he wants me to develop some of the material for the Australian and New Zealand Communications Association conference in Brisbane next year. I know that I reached my own goal, which was to get a H1. I'm not sure if I'm going to present at the conference yet. I'd love to be able to say I'd done something like that, I'm sure it'd look great on my resume, but I also know how very shit-awful I am when it comes to public speaking. If speaking in a room full of my peers scares the hell out of me, imagine what I'd be like in a room of published academics. It horrifies me to think about it.

I can't really update about anything else at the moment because the flu drugs are kicking in and I'm honestly struggling to string a sentence together. The number of times I edited that last sentence can serve as proof... except that you have no way of knowing how many times I edited that sentence. You'll just have to take my word for it.
30th-Oct-2008 05:51 pm - Done.
Rukia (Bleach)
Thesis was printed and bound this afternoon. Supervisor is coming to uni tomorrow to sign off on it, so I have to keep it overnight.

It's actually really depressed me. If I could've handed it in right there, I wouldn't have to look at it again and see all the tiny little fuck-ups I forgot to correct. Dave told me to lock it in someone else's room until tomorrow, which would be a good idea if I didn't need it so early in the morning. I haven't gone back over it thoroughly, though I made the mistake of letting a housemate read it and she started to nitpick, which made me feel worse.

I have to calm the fuck down. Some small inconsistencies with footnotes can't be the difference between getting a good mark or a bad one.
25th-Oct-2008 08:39 pm(no subject)
Rukia (Bleach)
I had a beer on Mt Cooper this afternoon. It was the most relaxed I've felt in a long time. Luke and Stephan went back to plan for a long night of drinking and getting stoned and I was insanely jealous. Not that I care that much for getting drunk and stoned, but I want so desperately to be able to have a night like that and not worry about the consequences. My supervisor has set my deadline back by a week - it's now due on Friday the 31st. And while that should make me happy, it actually kind of pisses me off. Especially after the comments I received from my first draft. Obviously I'm ready, my work needs a few minor adjustments (delete this comma, use a different word here, etc), but it's basically ready to be handed in. I'm grateful for the extra time to sort everything out, and the fact that I don't need to panic about it so much now, but I'm just sick of my whole life being about this massive wad of paper, or this folder of Word documents on my desktop. Right now, I kind of wish I hadn't taken it so seriously. I could've actually done a decent job of this and still maintained all the friendships that I seem to be letting fall apart. Now when they all catch up, it's all about the parties I never went to, because I was at home doing thesis stuff.

I suppose I'm a little scared that thesis-ing has just been some convenient excuse not to be social, because I'm not a social person and I never have been. When the thesis is done, it won't change anything. I'll still be the person in the room who sits there with a blank look because I don't get any of the in-jokes, I've removed myself from all of it for too long.
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